You may find some use for some good golf humor here.  Whether you are playing a round of golf with friends who live on your block, a group from the office, with your customers, or in a charity tournament, we hope you can use some of these which you may not have heard before.

In the case of tournament golf, it may help to break the ice with a joke that everyone can enjoy, and hopefully ease the jitters while teeing off with someone you may have just met.

1. When teeing off early, remind your opponents that this should be the best game of your life today.  When they ask why, tell them you are still sleeping, and in it is your dream.


2. If you want to see a bad golf shot…look up early!


3. Sometimes the best wood in the bag is a pencil (with an eraser).


4. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it (preferably into water…to really get the feel of it).


5. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing, unless they are contrary to your intuition.


6. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can hit either one more club or two more balls, but either way, offer to take the cart.


7. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.  That way you have a chance to hit the foursome on your next shot, as they are teeing off on the next hole.


8. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the correct golf swing and lower scores.  (This usually subsides by the third hole, however.)


9. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse…try sometime, you will see.
10. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you previously make the “collection of movements” work.


11. If it ain't broke, try throwing it.
12. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.


13. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck, and math.


14. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt...for a 10.  The trick is to miss a two-footer and make it look easy!


15. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own shoes.


16. It is not a gimme if you are still away, unless you receive telepathic permission from your opponent to “pick it up”.


17. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree occupied by an endangered species.
18. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time, parking lots are a little easier to hit.
19. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three…skipping every other par four will help lower your score.


20. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.  This is what they refer to as the Zen aspect of the game.


21. If you want to hit a seven-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.


22. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.


23. Hazards attract; fairways repel, greens lie, and liars figure how to make all that work.


24. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, you can even put a smile on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.


25. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours, but it may be playable; therefore, “possession being 9/10 of the law”, comes into play.


26. It is easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard, even if it takes all day.


27. Sometimes it seems as though your cup move'th over (Arnie— 18:72).


28. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game, which is why they added the last hole years ago…for the good of the game!


29. A good golf partner is one who is always slightly worse than you are...that is why I get so many calls to play with friends (that, and these jokes).


30. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work, and not for “green repair” after a lousy putt.


31. If there is a storm rolling in, you will be having the game of your life.  You can check this fact by watching CaddyShack again sometime.


32. Golf balls are like eggs.  They are white.  They're sold by the dozen.  And you need to buy fresh ones each week to replace the ones you attempted to poach in the fairway ponds.


33. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).


34. A bad day on the golf course is better than a…it’s like…well it’s hard to describe, but I enjoy it every time anyway!

Practice, practice, practice…Enjoy Golf!

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